I woke up sad today. Yep. It's because of that guy up there. Now and then I feel the weight of it all on my shoulder's and I have a little melt down. He has been a little nuts the last couple days, which happens now and then, and I get frustrated. Not with him so much but with myself. I don't know what else to do. For 4 1/2 years I have studied, prayed, spent lots of money on all sorts of doctors and treatments and fought for where we are now. All my focus was on getting him fixed. Now, I am at the point where we have done most of the things I know to do and he is not totally fixed. All of this is on my shoulders. I am Mom. Mom's carry the brunt.
Getting him out the door to school today was like pushing a hippo through a doggy door. He wanted to watch Dora. I sorta decided I was done. After dealing with insurance this week, medical bills, etc., I just wanted to be done. The tears came, I told this little boy who was caught in my firm grasp that I just wanted him to be fixed. I wanted him to be normal. He saw the tears and patted my back. He got up and somehow we managed to get on the bus.
The house was quiet and my thoughts continued to consume me. What was I to do for him? I am stuck. I cried more. On my knees. I prayed, I begged for guidance of how to fix him.
I had planned on going to our temple today for some quiet reflection (LDS temple). I was hoping I would get some insight into what I needed to do for him through inspiration. I really wanted a loud voice to tell me exactly what treatment I needed to pursue. That would be the easy route. Instead, the inspiration came to me quickly and clearly, "You are not here to fix him, he is here to fix you."
Of course, I needed to help him. All we have done for his 6 1/2 years of life has been to help him; to get him to where we are now. It was all important. I knew he was sent here for me, to make me a better person. I get that. But, I now understand a little better how he is to make me a better person.
Tate has been a case study in nutrition for me that has helped me to be able to share with many others. I thought perhaps this was one reason Tate was here for me. He has helped our family become healthier and more compassionate. I am so thankful for that. But, as the words kept replaying in my head that he was here to fix me, I kept thinking of how I still needed to be fixed. I feel pretty fixed right now and would rather he just be fixed at this point.
I left the temple and went to visit sweet Annabeth. Annabeth is going through her own personal "fixing" with her little Abigail. (And, I must share that this little miracle child who was filled with stage 4 cancer in January is cancer free at this moment!) As always, my conversations with Annabeth are uplifting and inspiring. She was just what I needed today. We talked about our little ones and our struggles as mothers. She was telling me that as she was praying the other night, trying to understand why so many of these little ones are suffering, words came to her as well. It is all about faith. They are here to teach us about faith. They are here to make us put all our faith in the Lord. Deep and unrelenting faith.
I drove home and started to really think about that. I know about nutrition. I know about Doctors and therapies. I have learned patience and compassion and perseverance. What I needed to learn more than ever before is to have faith. I have faith but I need to have faith to know that the Lord knows what is best for me and Tate. I need the faith to know the He is answering my prayers. He has not left me alone or put the burden upon my shoulders only to bear. He is there beside me and has my very best interest in mind. I didn't need to worry about Tate. I could keep doing my best and He would direct our paths. The thought was basic but it gave me such peace. I came home with a calm assurance that I needed to just relax, not worry and just love and enjoy this child.
He came off the bus a happy child. We went in the back to eat a Popsicle and watch the chickens. I held his hand and talked about his day and realized that everything is going to be OK. I didn't need to worry about fixing him. He is fixed. He is perfect. He will one day have all the blessings that I desire of him. I know that. I just don't know the timetable but I don't need to know it. The Lord does and I have faith in Him.
Thanks, Annabeth. You are my sister. My friend. BFF's.
15 comments:
I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
I believe that you are just the mother that Tate needs for his journey here (:
I have been where you are, and I applaud your ability to find peace. Special needs kiddos have so many struggles, and as their mothers we carry so much weight. Thank you for posting this. I needed to hear it, as I go through my own little crisis of faith.
I have been frustrated with my son's allergies and he ate a peach right off the tree and had bright red cheeks and I just wish he could enjoy some of my childhood favorites BUT I've learned about food! I know what's good for you and what's not and honestly I'd take this long not easy road over an easy child. The knowledge I have now that I would never know is more valuable to me, my son and my future children!
You are a wonderful mom! Keep up the good work and don't be discouraged!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. thanks for being real with us out here. I have a few sons that are here to teach me faith and patience too. Keep up the amazing work- you are example to so many :)
Thanks for your post. So many of my same feelings & frustrations. Tate & You are both lucky!!! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the post that is full of wisdom.
It is a mother's nature to want to "fix" everything. Children look to us to "kiss it better" and we struggle to be that perfect cure for everything from a broken toy to a broken heart. How it hurts when we can't fix the problem. And how humbling it is to realize that life is not meant to be problem free nor the pathway ever lighted with sunshine. You, Shari, are the sunshine for so many people, especially for me. We love you, Tate, and your special mommy.
Love this post...thank you!
Lots of love to you. I know the challenging days, but you have been an angel to many because of the things you have learned. For one, you have helped me so much! Continue to share your knowledge and quest for faith because we all need the reminder! <3 Tate is lucky to have you!
I agree with all of the comments! Tate is in YOUR care for special reasons. Heavenly Father has immense trust and faith in YOU, and he is helping you as you deepen your faith in Him.
It is our deepest instinct to nurture, protect, and 'fix' our children into the individuals we know they can be, and what we hope they can be. And anything that gets in the way of that goal is an obstacle. Or is it? (!)
I am just thankful for remarkable, inspiring women like you who share our trials with us, even when they are very different in scope. We are all on the same team! I am honored to know you and to be called your friend!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been struggling with my ASD son lately as he is in the middle of a regression and it is heart wrenching. I really needed to read what you wrote. Thank you again.
This is HORRIFIC. I cannot believe that you would actually try to "fix" a child with a mental disorder, and to tell him too, nonetheless. These kinds of children are special, and what I have just read is shocking and offensive. His disorder is not one that you can fix, nor should you be trying to fix it. That is absolutely absurd. I am so angry at what I just read I cannot think clearly. Of course you're not here to "fix" him, and if that is something you really think and feel, then you got the second part right too. You need fixing. You need it really bad.
Annonymous,
Unfortunately you don't understand Autism enough to really comment on my post in this fashion. Autism is not Downs Syndrom or another disorder that can't be fixed. Autism is not something you are born with, it happens to you and yes, it can be fixed in many cases and helped in all cases. It takes lots of work and dedication but if you do try to fix it, this child can have a greatly improved life. Believe me, I accept this beautiful child in any way he comes but knowing that what afflicts him can be taken away, causes me in every sense of the world to try and fix him. If you knew where he was before, you would know how much he has been fixed. When I cry, it is not for my trial, it is for him. I am blessed to have him in my life and feel truly blessed to have a child special needs.
If I sat by and just accepted the life he was dealt through drugs, immunizations, food, heavy metal toxicity, I would be the mom who needed to be fixed if not taken outside to the shed. I am fighting for him and instead of the child I once had who sat and banged his head all day until it was bloody and couldn't make eye contact, I have a child who is happy, can play like any other child, learn like a normal kindergartner and as of this week, is potty trained. Are you telling me that I shouldn't have tried to fix the problems that prevented this? If so, I would have saved $50,000 and a whole lots of time. But, then, I would have been like so many others who accept things as they are instead of try to change what autism is and try to share it with others.
I have seen many, many children helped if not cured. Please don't get on the soap box that these moms arent accepting who their child is. We are the moms who won't accept what others tell us they can do. We are fixing their lives. I am positive that my little Tate is eternally grateful that he doesn't have to live in his former prison he once was in. I have loved him every step of the way.
So sorry I was so "Horrific". I hope you don't have a child with autism. How unfortunate that would be that you wouldn't try to fix his affliction. That would be the easy route....for you.
Anonymous has no idea where you are coming from and does not understand autism... that's for sure! You are amazing Shari! I admire you. Thanks for all you do.
Shari,
I have always admired you and your wonderful family. You are doing something right. You have raised smart, funny, thoughtful, and loving kids. I have been blessed to be their teacher. I try not to say mean things, but I don't have very fuzzy feelings for anonymous right now!!
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