Friday, May 20, 2011
I woke up sad today. Yep. It's because of that guy up there. Now and then I feel the weight of it all on my shoulder's and I have a little melt down. He has been a little nuts the last couple days, which happens now and then, and I get frustrated. Not with him so much but with myself. I don't know what else to do. For 4 1/2 years I have studied, prayed, spent lots of money on all sorts of doctors and treatments and fought for where we are now. All my focus was on getting him fixed. Now, I am at the point where we have done most of the things I know to do and he is not totally fixed. All of this is on my shoulders. I am Mom. Mom's carry the brunt.
Getting him out the door to school today was like pushing a hippo through a doggy door. He wanted to watch Dora. I sorta decided I was done. After dealing with insurance this week, medical bills, etc., I just wanted to be done. The tears came, I told this little boy who was caught in my firm grasp that I just wanted him to be fixed. I wanted him to be normal. He saw the tears and patted my back. He got up and somehow we managed to get on the bus.
The house was quiet and my thoughts continued to consume me. What was I to do for him? I am stuck. I cried more. On my knees. I prayed, I begged for guidance of how to fix him.
I had planned on going to our temple today for some quiet reflection (LDS temple). I was hoping I would get some insight into what I needed to do for him through inspiration. I really wanted a loud voice to tell me exactly what treatment I needed to pursue. That would be the easy route. Instead, the inspiration came to me quickly and clearly, "You are not here to fix him, he is here to fix you."
Of course, I needed to help him. All we have done for his 6 1/2 years of life has been to help him; to get him to where we are now. It was all important. I knew he was sent here for me, to make me a better person. I get that. But, I now understand a little better how he is to make me a better person.
Tate has been a case study in nutrition for me that has helped me to be able to share with many others. I thought perhaps this was one reason Tate was here for me. He has helped our family become healthier and more compassionate. I am so thankful for that. But, as the words kept replaying in my head that he was here to fix me, I kept thinking of how I still needed to be fixed. I feel pretty fixed right now and would rather he just be fixed at this point.
I left the temple and went to visit sweet Annabeth. Annabeth is going through her own personal "fixing" with her little Abigail. (And, I must share that this little miracle child who was filled with stage 4 cancer in January is cancer free at this moment!) As always, my conversations with Annabeth are uplifting and inspiring. She was just what I needed today. We talked about our little ones and our struggles as mothers. She was telling me that as she was praying the other night, trying to understand why so many of these little ones are suffering, words came to her as well. It is all about faith. They are here to teach us about faith. They are here to make us put all our faith in the Lord. Deep and unrelenting faith.
I drove home and started to really think about that. I know about nutrition. I know about Doctors and therapies. I have learned patience and compassion and perseverance. What I needed to learn more than ever before is to have faith. I have faith but I need to have faith to know that the Lord knows what is best for me and Tate. I need the faith to know the He is answering my prayers. He has not left me alone or put the burden upon my shoulders only to bear. He is there beside me and has my very best interest in mind. I didn't need to worry about Tate. I could keep doing my best and He would direct our paths. The thought was basic but it gave me such peace. I came home with a calm assurance that I needed to just relax, not worry and just love and enjoy this child.
He came off the bus a happy child. We went in the back to eat a Popsicle and watch the chickens. I held his hand and talked about his day and realized that everything is going to be OK. I didn't need to worry about fixing him. He is fixed. He is perfect. He will one day have all the blessings that I desire of him. I know that. I just don't know the timetable but I don't need to know it. The Lord does and I have faith in Him.
Thanks, Annabeth. You are my sister. My friend. BFF's.