Thursday, August 12, 2010
Emotions of the mother bear
My little buddy started all day kindergarten this week. My last chicken in the coop. I didn't want all day for him but there isn't another option out there. I was so concerned that for 7 hours a day, someone else would care for him the way he needed. I asked several times if he would have someone eat with him as he needs a little prodding to eat anything substantial. I told them about his special diet and my concerns. I wanted them to understand that even though he can't communicate well, he is very intelligent and can get onto Google earth and get to the beach all by himself via satellite since I won't take him there right now. I want them to love him like I do and do all the little things I do for him each and every day.
I sent him off. He was so excited to go. He waved goodbye and threw me a kiss. He was ready. I went home and thought about him throughout the day. 7 hours was a really long time.
I eagerly went to the school to get him and waited forever for them to bring these little special 5 year olds to their mama's. He came and gave me a big hug; still a big smile on his face. I got in the car and looked in his lunch box and then the mother bear came out. The only thing missing for an entire day was a couple of chips. The drink was even still there. He did not eat. He wasn't changed. I called 411 right there in my car to get the school number. I got the teacher right on the phone and asked why in the world this child didn't have food or drink all day. She told me it was a crazy day. I get that but there are basic needs. Food, drink.
I don't know this school. I don't know these women who are caring for my son but I couldn't stop thinking about this all day. I am sure they are fine teachers. I am sure things will get better but by the time my husband came home at 10 at night, the tears were flowing.
For the last 4 years since Tate was diagnosed, I have fought to bring a quality to his life that would give him happiness in this world. I have had the opportunity to care for him, to feed him, teach him and love him completely. Now, I have to turn him over for 7 hours a day. That seems a little too much to handle. It all boiled down to the fact that I was loosing control of him. It wasn't all up to me anymore and the fear set in.
I also watched him walk in line with the other special 5 year olds with their disabilities and I think I , for the first time told myself that this was Tate. He is special. He will not grow out of it. He is like the other kids in his class. I don't know how much more I can fix him. I don't know what else I can do. I feel helpless. I cried more tears. My husband listened as I poured out my concern for this little soul.
He told me how wonderful I was. He reassured me that I am doing a good job. He is a good husband with all the right words. I just want my little guy to be happy. I want him to be able to talk. That's all.
I went to bed and woke up to pack his lunch all over again. One I hoped he would actually get to eat. I resisted the urge to keep him home and never let him go but I dug deep and drove him to school.
He got out of the car and with a huge grin , ran to the teacher and to his new special friends. He was happy. That was the goal. He likes being with the special kids. He is content in his world. I need to understand that. I need to let him go a little and enjoy his adventures. I need to realize that I can't control everything in life and that it isn't all up to me.
I still feel like I don't know what else to do for my little Tate. I pray for guidance. I pray for knowledge. There are no manuals. No list of instruction or magic pills. I know that Tate doesn't need this life for a test like we do, he is here for our testing. He has a special place in the next world and he will be able to do all I ever desire for him. I know that. But, the mother bear in me wants to fix it. That is our role. It is overwhelming at times but thank goodness we have father bears to tell us we are doing just fine. For now, this mother bear just needs to love the moment. Someday I will have to face Junior High with this sweet, innocent child and junior high kids can be real mean. How will I ever face that day? One day at a time.
Today he ate a cookie and a juice box.
Posted by Shari Goodman at 9:47 PM