My little buddy started all day kindergarten this week. My last chicken in the coop. I didn't want all day for him but there isn't another option out there. I was so concerned that for 7 hours a day, someone else would care for him the way he needed. I asked several times if he would have someone eat with him as he needs a little prodding to eat anything substantial. I told them about his special diet and my concerns. I wanted them to understand that even though he can't communicate well, he is very intelligent and can get onto Google earth and get to the beach all by himself via satellite since I won't take him there right now. I want them to love him like I do and do all the little things I do for him each and every day.
I sent him off. He was so excited to go. He waved goodbye and threw me a kiss. He was ready. I went home and thought about him throughout the day. 7 hours was a really long time.
I eagerly went to the school to get him and waited forever for them to bring these little special 5 year olds to their mama's. He came and gave me a big hug; still a big smile on his face. I got in the car and looked in his lunch box and then the mother bear came out. The only thing missing for an entire day was a couple of chips. The drink was even still there. He did not eat. He wasn't changed. I called 411 right there in my car to get the school number. I got the teacher right on the phone and asked why in the world this child didn't have food or drink all day. She told me it was a crazy day. I get that but there are basic needs. Food, drink.
I don't know this school. I don't know these women who are caring for my son but I couldn't stop thinking about this all day. I am sure they are fine teachers. I am sure things will get better but by the time my husband came home at 10 at night, the tears were flowing.
For the last 4 years since Tate was diagnosed, I have fought to bring a quality to his life that would give him happiness in this world. I have had the opportunity to care for him, to feed him, teach him and love him completely. Now, I have to turn him over for 7 hours a day. That seems a little too much to handle. It all boiled down to the fact that I was loosing control of him. It wasn't all up to me anymore and the fear set in.
I also watched him walk in line with the other special 5 year olds with their disabilities and I think I , for the first time told myself that this was Tate. He is special. He will not grow out of it. He is like the other kids in his class. I don't know how much more I can fix him. I don't know what else I can do. I feel helpless. I cried more tears. My husband listened as I poured out my concern for this little soul.
He told me how wonderful I was. He reassured me that I am doing a good job. He is a good husband with all the right words. I just want my little guy to be happy. I want him to be able to talk. That's all.
I went to bed and woke up to pack his lunch all over again. One I hoped he would actually get to eat. I resisted the urge to keep him home and never let him go but I dug deep and drove him to school.
He got out of the car and with a huge grin , ran to the teacher and to his new special friends. He was happy. That was the goal. He likes being with the special kids. He is content in his world. I need to understand that. I need to let him go a little and enjoy his adventures. I need to realize that I can't control everything in life and that it isn't all up to me.
I still feel like I don't know what else to do for my little Tate. I pray for guidance. I pray for knowledge. There are no manuals. No list of instruction or magic pills. I know that Tate doesn't need this life for a test like we do, he is here for our testing. He has a special place in the next world and he will be able to do all I ever desire for him. I know that. But, the mother bear in me wants to fix it. That is our role. It is overwhelming at times but thank goodness we have father bears to tell us we are doing just fine. For now, this mother bear just needs to love the moment. Someday I will have to face Junior High with this sweet, innocent child and junior high kids can be real mean. How will I ever face that day? One day at a time.
Today he ate a cookie and a juice box.
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18 comments:
:( frowny face.
i can't even bear the thought of sending my children to school one day. let alone, sending a child who has extra special needs. it will be really hard to let go of the control. you are a wonderful momma! i would be feeling exactly how you are. i am glad he is happy and enjoying school...he must feel so big!
yay for that cookie and drink...progress!
I second the "yay for a cookie and drink." Maybe he will be eating the rest soon. I know how you feel. Extra needs are extra hard to let out of our grasp. When other people don't take it as seriously as we do it can be a bit insulting, especially when things go wrong, and we already told them it would. All I can say is, take a deep breathe. Right now he is learning a ton, and while his meal is important, he will find his balance.
Three cheers for mama (and papa) bears!
I needed to read this more than you know! Yesterday, I wrote a blog about the struggles I have had with sending my child to Kindergarten! I am so happy to know that I am not alone! YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER, and the smile on his face when you drop him off and pick him up is proof!
The scriptures tell us that Heavenly Father cares a great deal about our spiritual AND secular learning. I believe he will guide us (through that still, small voice) as to which educational choices are best for our children. After researching what prophets have said about education (beginning with Brigham Young) and learning what the true goals of the public education system are, our family's choice has been to homeschool. Our local East Valley area has a huge LDS homeschool support group which makes homeschooling much easier than you might think. The Celestial Education DVD by Michelle Stone (daughter of Janeen Brady) is an absolute must see if you have questions about homeschooling. You can find it online. Once you dispel the myths surrounding homeschool (socialization issues, for example), you'll understand why homeschooling is becoming more and more popular with God-fearing, freedom-loving families. (And especially with families who have children with disabilities!) Out of all the education choices out there, Heavenly Father knows which is best for EACH of your children. Listen for his promptings, follow them, and then you can be at peace with your decision.
So hard. Hope the next few days are better!
I feel your pain. I have been on both sides, as a teacher and a mother. Give it a few more days and let them get a routine. It will work out. Teachers are very overwhelmed the first few days with all of the instructions from parents in regards to special needs for their children. Your little one will also learn his needs.
I wish that the teachers would insist that the kids eat their lunches. My daughter comes home every day with maybe a couple bites of sandwich gone. She usually drinks her juice (which I send because I don't want her choosing the chocolate milk aka sugar milk). But the veggies and fruits are usually left just as they were. I want my kids to eat well so they can learn well. I get up early to make them a healthy hot breakfast and get their lunches ready. Because how anyone can let their kids eat school lunch (at our school anyway) I just don't get. But there is no one to insist they eat. Or at least eat more than two bites. I wish I could change that but short of being there every second I can't. I guess I just have to let it go and hope she learns that it is important and makes the choice to eat. Here's hoping. Good luck with your son. My son went into Kindergarten this year as well, although not all day thank goodness. :)
Shari, You are a wonderful mother bear. Your tears are recorded in heaven, and He knows the desires of your heart. After all, they are His children, too.
Tate is SURELY blessed, even if he goes a few days with smaller food amounts than you would like. He will be fine!!! Remember, he's got you on his side.
It's so hard, but he one lucky duck to have you. I can't wait for the day to know what our little guys were thinking. The food battle is the hardest. When I look in his lunch & see he hasn't eaten all day I FREAK out too. Keep on them until they understand how important it really is to you. Hang in there, I know its so hard.
If it makes you feel any better, Ruby ate a pudding cup and her juice on the first day! I swear this kindergarten stuff is hard! It's like feeding your sweet child to the wolves. Suddenly they have to deal with mean kids, and everything else on their own.
I'm crying now...
I hope that all the chaos of the first week dies down and that they all get into their routine. I know that Taters will love being at school, love being with the kids. Good luck with your adjustment, Shari. You are a role model for so many of us in so many ways.
Love you tons!
Can you go for have lunch with him? Our school will let the parents do that. Maybe just for a few days until he gets the hang of things... You are an amazing mother and doing a great job.
Shari- This so so hard...I am dying inside! I don't know how much more I can take ...really? My emotions are so out of wack right now! Hang in there! You are such a great Mommy! All your kids are so lucky to have you! XO
had a friend mention your blog on facebook and i am glad i checked it out! my special three year old started school last week in the public school arena because of developmental delays. my heart was so tortured the night before the first day, wondering if i was really doing the right thing. kinda mad at God because i felt cheated. losing my three year old three days a week felt like so much time to lose. my first needs to start school early so he can catch up before it really matters. it was a hard week.
i am glad that week is over. he seems to love it. he also cannot really verbally tell me...so i have to look for it and he smiles when i talk about school. its those little things.
Adrienne,
You are doing the right thing. Being in school and with peers is so important for their development when they have delays. Tate started when he was 2 1/2 and also felt like I was totally cheated. However, staying home with me would not have done him any favors. Be tough! He will do just fine. I also cried the first day I picked him up when he was 2 1/2 and realized he couldn't tell me what he did at school. Once again , I felt cheated. But, you learn to appreciate the little smiles and coloring pages all the more!
Your blog is inspiring! We have 5 children. 3 of whom have special needs. Our youngest son and daughter are tube fed. She shows signs of autism and so far we have an unofficial diagnosis of PDD-NOS. She doesn't eat anything by mouth. We home school, and have since our oldest son was let down two years in a row, by his special needs preschool. This was before we knew much about our daughter's issues. (All of our children were adopted.) Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand about a lot of what you have written about your sweet boy! It's such an honor and a privilege to learn from these sweet kiddo's! Hugs and Blessings to you! :0)
Luckily we got to do half day kindergarten, but Layne started 1st grade this year and are experiencing the same thing. He wants to play instead of eating his lunch. He get's such a good breakfast before he goes that he is not hungry enough by lunch time. But he always eats it right away when he gets home. I just don't send the dessert, at least not until he gets this down.
I was SO pissed when you texted me that day!!! I love little Taters too, he is just SO precious. I could not think of him not eating or drinking that day! You are a phenomenal mother. But you are right. They must walk this journey and experience some things beyond our control. That is hard for us BOTH, I am right there with you. Anytime you need to talk, I am here for you. It is a whole new world for our guys this year....
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