This resolution is a tough one for me and I am sure I am not alone. It seems that I flip flop on this each year. But, this week I have been a little grumpy. I have been trying to hide it but probably not too well. I couldn't really pin point why, everything is pretty hunky dory in my life but then it hit me. This happens to me when I miss myself. I am really missing myself right now. You know that feeling, I am sure of it.
I have that inner struggle all the time about being selfish. I had a mother that never took me time so in my mind, me time is selfish. I love being a mother and taking care of a family. I enjoy helping others but sometime, being selfish is important. If we can't fill our tanks now and then, we run empty. I think I am feeling empty.
Another big reason I need to be a little more selfish this year is because this is the year of the big 40. To say I am unhappy about that is an understatement. I don't know how I got here and to be honest, I never, ever thought of life after 40. I never pictured myself getting older. Getting older means my kids get older and leave, my body looks older and I become the "older" crowd. 40 seemed ancient when I was a teen. I don't feel ancient. I just can't wrap my head around this age. I have realized this last year that I absolutely need to take better care of myself. I haven't had my youthful bounce this last year. I look tired and I feel tired. I haven't done much to deserve otherwise. I do still have lots of life to live. I want to feel youthful and playful. I want to kick 40 in the behind and feel better than I have this last year of my 30's. I know this can only be done if I start being a little selfish. Take tonight for instance. I had my new yoga mat already. I was looking forward to going to yoga all day. Christmas break has been great but to be honest, I needed the quiet meditation tonight without someone saying "mom!" for just a few minutes. Mom is seeming like a swear word right now. Tate has been a bit high maintenance this break. I want to bite something.
Well, yoga didn't happen. I had told the little boys we would hit the dollar store after Tate's therapy today. They had a couple dollars to burn and wanted to buy something real special. We came home and Tate wanted to ride his bike. He needed to be outside so I obliged. I sort of hoped they would forget about the dollar store. They didn't. At 5 o'clock, we were in the car for the dollar store. By the time we came home, they needed food. By the time that ended, it was 6:30. Dang. There it went. I was mad at myself. I should have planned better. I owed that to myself. I need to make sure my time really happens. Instead, I am still a little grumpy and the yoga mat is still in its original packaging.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am starting my new workout regime and selfish me time! Just a little. I am sure a very little. Me time has to happen before 5 am and after 10 pm. I ordered the New Brazilian Butt Lift workout promising me a fabulous behind in 60 days. There are some new classes at the gym. I am going to be a new woman. My 20th anniversary is in a couple months. Wouldn't he be so lucky to have that 60 bucks payoff. I told him he couldn't look until then.
I know all of us need to give ourselves a little quiet time now and then. It is a balancing game and some take it way too far on either side. I am not one for girls nights out every week and shopping trips but I know I will be a far better and happier wife and mother if I can just think without being interrupted and feel a little better in my own skin. I miss myself.
Hope you all can do a little of the same.